The Oberfranken Steakknife Massacre

I want to be with this guy when the Apocalypse hits!!!

... AND DEFINITELY ONLY ON HIS GOOD SIDE!

Basic Self-Defence

B!tches be coming all up in your face, touching your salvaged canned food, scoping on your shelter?

What more important a time to need to know how to defend yourself, than the Apocalypse.

Here are the basics: Basic Self-Defence Moves Anyone Can Do

The Hello Kitty Chainsaw

Queue Excalibur music and sunbeam through cloudy skies…
Ooooooooooweeeeeee - Bring on the Zombie Apocalypse! 

Only on Zombies and trees right ;) teehee

Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen

And not only because Rob Zombie decides to procreate…
Or Zombie Uncle Sam manages to conscript everyone…
Or Jesus comes back…again…the sequel to the sequel…


Top 5 Reasons:

1. Brain Parasites - toxoplasmosa gondii
2. Neurotoxins - chemicals called alkaloids
3. The Real Rage Virus - Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease
4. Neurogenesis - re-grow dead brain tissue
5. Nanobots - nano-cyborg

We would now like to suggest in our next post... The Hello Kitty Chainsaw...

Suggestion #6: Sun Block and Cooking Oil – Git You Sum!

HUGE SUNSPOT AIMED AT EARTH -- ERUPTION IMMINENT?

Just Saying:

1. The Sun Block is for you – so smear up
2. The cooking oil is for any live stock you may have outside or in your general vicinity – smear up - ‘Yes, it’s just like a Tai Massage piggy – no; no happy ending’
3. Wait…

Prepare Your First Aid Kit

Because apparently tampons, black electric tape and spit are not appropriate ‘First Aid Kit’ items; here is an excellent link on How to prepare your First Aid Kit for most versions of the Apocalypse.

For Angelic War and Demonic Mutiny versions of the Apocalypse, here is a link for The Amateur & Beginner Actual Exorcism Kit.

How to Navigate in the Wild

Many of you may all ready know how to do this from your childhood; from when your parents used to drive you miles from home and then leave you ‘accidentally’ behind in the woods or mid highway.

For those of us whose parents loved us: How to navigate in the wild.

How to Make Fire in the Wild

1. How to start fire without a match (Tap: →, ∆+↘ , ¨+↘, ↓, ↓+O)
2. Location and Preparation (...are there any witnesses...)
3. It Only Takes a Spark (...or so I will tell the police...)
4. Lighting Methods (How do I love thee; let me count the ways...)

Also great for boring days in the office!

How to Find Water in the Wild

One of the first steps of survival is to know how to find water.

Here are some very good links on how to find and collect water in the wild:

1. How to find water in the wild
2. Water Basics
3. Water Collection techniques 1.| Water Collection techniques 2.
4. Purifying Water 1. |  Purifying Water 2.

They suggest, no matter how dire your circumstances, you should never drink the following:

1. Blood(was never going to try)
2. Urine (was never going to try)
3. Fish juices (was never going to try)
4. Salt water (was never going to try)
5. Alcohol (WTF – but it’s the Apocalypse – oh we are so screwed)
6. Fresh sea ice (was never going to try)

Suggestion #5: Sword – Git you Wun!

If Cyborg Pirate Ninja Jesus is going to be running around with one then I better have one too – not only because I've said some questionable stuff about him, but because it is insanely AWESOME!!

Here is a link to some basic sword techniques and a place you can buy one:  Sword Buyers Guide

When Hell freezes over

Colder than a polar bear’s pyjamas on the shady side of an iceberg – blame Canada!
In the event of the 2 Part Apocalypse where it becomes Hell on Earth… and then Hell freezes the f#ck over – it will be excellent to know how to find/make a cold weather shelter.


They don’t have anything on what to do before Hell freezes over while Earth is becoming Hell; but we figure just wing it till it gets colder then follow the instructions as detailed here: Cold Weather Shelters

Skinning and Gutting Your Kill

So you have imagined that in the event of starvation in the wild that you probably would be able to catch and kill a small furry animal – as long as it’s not Bambi or Bambi’s mom; but then what?

This is a very easy to understand link on how to skin and gut your critter. (Ahahahahaha - once you stop laughing at the animations and read the content you will realise its actually pretty good basic knowledge to have for the Apocalypse.)

It works pretty much the same for most manammals…especially the annoying ones and their incessant yapping Yorkies…

Dye Hard

So it’s the end of the world as you know it – but damned if you’re going to go down NOT looking FABULOUS!

Camouflage gear is so tired and dull, and who knows if Zombies can even see in colour right – but YOU flipping well can so those of you who would prefer dyeing stylishly  rather than in a hessian camo body bag – here is How to Make Natural Dyes