How to Win a Fist Fight

Whether it’s a tussle over the last can of baked beans or just exercising your pimp hand, it may help you to know How to Win a Fist Fight…

Aaaaah - You wanto FIGHT - fight ME

If it is a standoff between your attacker and you, do not hesitate to go on the offensive. If there are multiple attackers, calmly ask them to back off and that you do not want to fight. (It's much better to go home penniless than injured). If that doesn't work, and they want a fight, strike first. Do not let them punch you before doing anything.
"Kind Sirs;
Would you be so obliging as to halt your onslaught of crude profanity? I urge you not to attempt your intended physical oppression upon myself and instead let us exercise our ability to emerge from this endeavour both intact of all appendages and bodily functions.  No!? – well then alert your medical insurance provider of your impending reception of my whipassattack and request the preauthorisation code for your hospital stay."

Leave the area. If you are facing up against two or more opponents, attempt to leave the area fast. Walk briskly away to any place where people are. If they try and stop you by touching you in anyway. Then it's GO TIME.

"Oh no you dinint!! Wazzzup, you just bought yourself a whole bag of this CRAZY!"

Push away and start saying a random phrase. They'll say "what?" or start laughing with their friends. Before they can do anything else take your dominant hand and make a stiff C with it. Flex your arm and fingers, and hit them in the neck as hard as you possibly can. Squeeze their Adam's apple if possible. Their first reaction will be to try and get your hand off. The person you have first attacked will be in complete and utter shock at what you just did. No 360 spin kick or submission hold will stop you. If you don't believe me, go ask a family member or friend to grab your windpipe and squeeze. What's your first reaction? Painful, wasn't it?
"F#cking EAGLE  CLAW style that MoFo yo!"

While your hand is currently occupied by strangling the p!ss out of your opponent, take your weaker hand, and shove your thumb into their eyeballs. (Don't be a wuss, who cares if it's gross or you get a little slimy.)
…He put in his thumb; And pulled out a plum; And said 'What a good boy am I!'

This will completely incapacitate your first attacker, leaving you time to flee the scene. Run if possible. They may not continue to assault you if they know what you are capable of. If they do, get to a police station Rebel Tribe of Apocalypse Survivalists or run into any area with lighting and lots of cars or people. My suggestion would be cars: kick and hit as many cars as you can without hurting yourself, some may have car alarms. Which does what? Right... it makes people alerted and go see what’s happening. Yell and scream the whole way there.

Do not find a weapon, if you do not plan on using it violently and to severely injure your attacker. Do not pick it up; they may pick it up and use it on you.
"I’ma gonna cut some fo-fo in the face fo sure sure!"

It's a lot better to hurt the opponent if you need to defend yourself. Do not listen to the pacifist idiots that say avoid injuring the person at all costs. If they touch you, they obviously mean to harm to you. So return the favour. Let them know that they just made the biggest mistake of their lives.

“HULK IS NOT AFRAID...HULK IS STRONGEST ONE THERE IS!!!

THE ANGRIER HULK GETS THE STRONGER HE BECOMES, AND HULK IS ANGRRRYYYYYYY!!!!!
HULK SMASH AND BASH - PUNY HUMANS…" 

But one thing that works among all things is boxing out their ears. This brutal slap will damage their equilibrium making them disoriented allowing you to run or finish them off. If you don't know how to all you have to do is cup your hands and slap their ears at the same time. You'll be amazed at what their reaction will be to that.

Tips:

1. Never hesitate. Any slight hesitation will cause your punches to lack power!
2. Go for the eyes, the neck, the temples, the kidneys and the nose. If you are close, knee them in the stomach or groin area. Don't think that kneeing them will work every time, you may miss. Or you may not do it hard enough, therefore losing balance and giving them a chance to attack you
3. Keep them acting defensively, do not wear yourself out. Do simple moves like shoving your fingers into their eyes, strangling them or a good old wave of straight punches to the face. Trust me, they will back off. Nobody wants to get hit in the face.
4. Don't be stupid and bite them. You don't know what's in their blood. If you have blood on you, wipe it off ASAP. Better safe than sorry. "LIKE MONKEY AIDS!!!!"
5. Always act offensively; the aggressor will win always if you use less tiring ways to deal with the opponent.
6. Keep in mind the above. If they have a weapon and you have a material possession that is not of extreme value, let them have it. Whether it be 50 bucks or a Popsicle. You can make another 50 dollars, and you can get another Popsicle. You can't get another life.
7. Never show that you are scared, because then they will take advantage of that.
8. You have something in hands (a crisps pack, a glass of beer, a purse ... ?)  Throw it in the face of your opponent. There are many chances that he will focus on it and not on your upcoming fist.
9. This is a street fight there are no rules, so don't let the name calling get to you.

Source: http://www.wikihow.com/Win-a-Fist-Fight-%28Full-Proof-Version%29